The Farmer

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." 

Stop

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

What's the difference

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste. Ewww!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.  Haha!!

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Barber Shop

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About two hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "
About two hours."
The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop an says,
"About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Friday 13th..

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160... before the reality of the situation hit him.

'What the hell am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'

The guy thinks for a second and says.
'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.'

'Have a nice weekend.' said the officer.

Golf

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, They fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
"You lying! You've been playing golf!"

Safe

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, Little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Basic Math

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered Mike

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Mike shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

Toothbrush

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Bart's turn. The teacher held her breath. Bart walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Bart.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Bart, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like dirt!" Then I would say, "It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?" 

Mark 'A'

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

Some Definitions

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe,you know more than you actually do.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test..

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman gains her master's.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feelingyou have never felt before.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage ..

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody beleives he got the biggest piece

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present...

Opportunists: One who starts having a bath when he/she accidently falls in a river ...

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet"

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

The Story of a Mistaken Gift

A man thought of purchasing a gift for his sweetheart.  After much deliberation, he finally decided on a pair of gloves.  He was accompanied by his sister to a ladies’ shop to make the purchase.  His sister bought a pair of panties for herself, and he bought a pair of gloves for his sweetheart.

   The packages got mixed up while they were being wrapped at the store that his sister got the gloves and he got the other package which was the panties.  He so sent the package to his sweetheart with a letter he wrote, which read as follows:

   D e a r e s t   s w e e t h e a r t:

   This is to remind you that I’m keeping track of you on Christmas.  I chose this gift to replace the one I tore the first time I was with you because from time to time I met you, you have not been in the habit of wearing one when we got out, especially in the evening.
   If it had not been for my sister, I would have bought you the long ones with buttons, but she said everybody is wearing short ones. They are of very delicate colors.  The saleslady I bought from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three months and they have not been soiled at all.  She said they had not been washed for three months.
   I wish I could put them on you, myself.  But no doubt many other gentlemen’s hand will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see them again.  Anyway, I hope you will think of everything the moment you put it on.
   I had the saleslady put them on herself for size, and they looked very nice on her.  I did not know the  exact size, but I thought it would be more capable than anyone else.  They will naturally be a little deep for wear and something have the tendency to smell, so sift a little Talcum powder into them before wearing them.
   I almost envy them as they cover a part of your body which I love to hold and squeeze.  Be sure to keep them on while cleaning, as they are liable to shrink...I hope you will accept them  with the thought that I have when I gave them to you and be sure to wear them next Friday everning so that I may have the pleasure of removing them!

                        With love and kisses
                                                                                                 Robert

   P.S. I’m looking for the time I will kiss the back as well as the front. The saleslady said that the latest style is unbuttoned and hanging.  This gives them the careless look.  If they are too small, send them back to me  and I will stretch them by putting them on myself.  Don’t forget my favorite scent.  I love you very much and take care of it.     

Dark Room

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work . Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here." 
The Man says: "Yes, it is." 
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks." 
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?" 
Boy: "$1,000." 

A few weeks later it happened again , and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: "Dark in here." 
Man: ! "Yes, it is." 
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says :"$5,000." 
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them." 
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, 
let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000." 
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your "SINS."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: "Dark in here." 

The Priest says: "Don't start that again!" THIS  IS  MY  CHURCH,  NOT  YOUR FATHER'S  HOUSE !

Men are like

 1. Men are like ......Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like ......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .....Blenders .... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like .....Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .....Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .... Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches
you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like .Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Report Card

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up  prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Papa". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
 letter with trembling hands:

 Dear Papa,

 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm
 writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
 scene with mom and you.  I've been finding real
passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all
 her
piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle
clothes.

 But it's not only the passion papa, she's
 pregnant and Joan said that we
 will
 be very happy. Even though you don't care for
 her as she is so much
 older
 than I, she already owns a small house in the
woods and has a stack of food and
 firewood
 for the coming rainy season.

 She wants to have many more children with me and
 that's now one of my
 dreams
 too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't
 really hurt anyone and we'll
 be
 growing it for us and trading it with her
 friends for all the cocaine
 and
 ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray
 that science will find a
cure
for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure
 deserves it!!

Don't worry Papa, I'm 15 years old now and I
 know how to take care of
 myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you
can get to know your
 grandchildren.

 Your son,
 Junior

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
 the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
 things in life than my

report card that's in my desk centre drawer. I
 love you! Call when it
 is
safe for me to come home ;D ;D ;D

Reasons why you shouln't argue w/ children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.  The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Satan's Doctor

HELL was extra gloomy that day. For several weeks, Satan was bedridden. As days passed, his condition deteriorated. Nothing helped to improve Satan’s poor health.
"I can’t understand it" declared one of the attendants in exasperation. "We have so many doctors here yet no one seems to be able to do anything helpful."In great pain, Satan said, "What do you expect? That is precisely why these doctors are in hell. They did nothing on earth but make people suffer. Worst of all, they overcharged their patients.""So what can we do?" the attendant asked in a solicitous tone. "The doctors in heaven don’t want to come to hell because of the heat.""I believe nothing can be done in hell or heaven," replied Satan in a resigned voice. "But we can import a doctor from earth. Why don’t you go up to the land of the living and recruit a good physician. Then my illness can be cured."
"How do I go about the selection of the right doctor?" inquired the attendant."Easy," answered Satan as though already getting better just with the prospect of a good physician.Just visit as many candidates. There will be spirits of the dead hovering by the doors of their houses. Being a devil yourself, you can see the spirits. Count them because each spirit of the dead represents a mishandled patient. Select the one with the least number of spirits."
"I got you, Satan, but do I recruit immediately?" commented the attendant ready to depart."Not too fast," Satan said as he cringed in pain. "At least talk to the prospective choice before formalizing the agreement."
With that the devil attendant climbed up to earth.For several days, he visited every practicing doctor systematically. The number of spirits hovering by the doors varied greatly. Ranging from several hundreds to a thousand.
After a week, the devil had identified a dozen with no more than ten spirits of the dead. Still he persisted for he aimed to locate a doctor with just a few spirits roaming by the door.Finally, there was a doctor’shouse with just two spirits hovering by the entrance. "That’s the doctor for Satan!" the devil exclaimed.Immediately, he talked to the youngest doctor. "Would you be willing to treat Satan in hell?"The doctor seemed not to mind and was game to go to hell. "No problem. I am bound by my Hippocratic Oath to minister to anyone and anywhere."
"Good," responded the devil attendant with keen pleasure. "By the way, when did you graduate from medical school?" Simply, the doctor answered, "Only yesterday

Good News or Bad News

After several weeks of feeling lousy and in pain, John decided that he
should finally see a doctor. He asked his wife, Mary, to join him.

So after waiting for an hour, they entered the room of the specialist
recommended by their friends. The doctor examined John for more than a
half hour, took blood test, x-rays and poked and prodded every
available spot on his body. After waiting an hour, the doctor asked Mary to come
in to his office to speak privately.

What Is It?? Mary asked ?Well, there is good news and bad news,? said
the doctor. ?Your husband has a very rare disease, that if he gets very
stressed is most likely to become fatal.? ?Well, What?s the good news??
asked Mary.

Practice has shown that if you, as his wife, make sure that his life
is stress free, he can go on living a very healthy, normal life. What this
means on a practical level is that you have to pamper him and do what
he wants. If he gets upset, agree with him. Cook him his favorite foods
regularly. Don?t argue with him, even when you know you are right. Let
him always think he is right and always be respectful of him. Be available
regularly in the romantic department and fulfill all his wishes.?

Stunned, Mary leaves and heads to the reception room, where John was
impatiently waiting. ?So.? John asked, ?What did the doctor tell you??

 "Honey, you're gonna die"

The Prince

Prince Phillip was driving around his mother's estate when he

accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a

pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally

distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go

ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,

polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said

the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but

let me show you this dog.'

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. 'Do you think

you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there

something else you would like?'

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out

two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Ana,'

said

Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love

this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo.

'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make

Camilla as beautiful as Ana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,

'Let's have a look at that dog again.

Spell Out

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat,
dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room
with his arms
outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
“Look what I spelled, Mom!” with a proud smile on his face.
“That's wonderful!” his mom praised him. “Now go put them on the fridge
so Dad can
see when he gets home tonight.”
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly
having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: “Mom? How do you
spell ‘zilla’?”

Throwing up

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old boy who
picks that moment to
throw a wild temper tantrum shatters the peace. No matter what his
frustrated,
embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to
scream furiously
and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of
an Air Force
General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the
flustered mother with
an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans
down and,
motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat
belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the
General slowly makes
his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his
sleeve.
“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic
words you used
on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my
pilot's wings,
service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me
to throw one
passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

CIA Training

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 'This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

General Meaning

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Confused?

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

The Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife said
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

DEAR SIR OR MADAM:

"i am sure you have over looked through several resumes with the same
     information about work experience, education, and references. i am not going to
     give you that stuff "

      i would love to interview for the position of (insert job title here),if you
     grant me an interview for (insert job title here) i feel confident youll see why
     im the right person for the job" "my mother delivered me without anaesthesia 

     so i have an IQ of 146 and can therefore learn anything"
   
     "i enjoy working closely with customers, and my pleasant demeanour  helps
      them feel comfortable and relaxed -not afraid" i realise that my total lack of
      appropriate experience may concern those considering me of for employment"
      but "i have integrity, so i will not steal office supplies and take them home"


      pls dont regard my 14 position as job-hopping, i never once quit a job
      "they stop paying me" in my next life, i will be a professional backup dancer or
      a rabbi" but for now, " i am attacking my resume for you to review" i realise
      that my resume is no longer exemplary thanks to my family destroying the
      computer file" nevertheless, here are my qualification for you to overlook"

       "thank you for your consideration hope to hear for you shorty!"


      SINCERLY,

       HOPELESS JOB SEEKER