Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,   
wearing an oxygen mask over his  mouth and nose,   
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure   
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.   
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'   
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir.   
I'm only here to wash  your upper body.'   
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'   
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,   
she overcomes her  embarrassment and sheepishly   
pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his  in one hand and his testicles in the other,   
lifting and moving them around and around gently.
  Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure
you, there's nothing wrong   with them, Sir !!'   
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,   
smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen   
very, very closely.....
      ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

Different Father

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."

The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one.

I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes.

Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father."

Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?"

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes.

She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."

Wrong Email Address

This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned  from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minneapolis couple  decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon  20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult  to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and  flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following  day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in  his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he  accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without  realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in  Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.   He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart  attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages  from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she  screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found  his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which  read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date:  April 27, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have  computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved  ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that  everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward  to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine  was.

P. S. Sure is hot down  here!!!!

The Farmer

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." 

Stop

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

What's the difference

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste. Ewww!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.  Haha!!

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Barber Shop

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About two hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "
About two hours."
The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop an says,
"About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."